TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, the town historically known for ancient tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully outside of place. Developed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, certain, let us have Yet another position exactly where American Males can don robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations failed under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: give Anyone a set around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It is really that he ought to quit working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the venture, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Excellent tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping forms a large Trump head obvious from House, a aspect being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents along with the chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after locating the making's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors could contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "the place's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is previously attracting focus from international buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll buy a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage may also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD can have change-down support."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk Trump Tower Damascus has allegedly offered to build a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Thoughts with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It essential a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave it all 3. You're welcome."

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